| i, have been here many times before... |
[11 Mar 2009|03:22am] |
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music |
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Breathe Me by Sia |
] |
It's 3:22. In the morning. I can't sleep. I'm restless, there are so many thoughts running through my head, I can't even pin one down to clarify what I'm really thinking about.
I thought I was happy. I think I am happy. I don't even know how to put down what I'm feeling in words. I feel like strong bonds have disintigrated, and bonds that are strengthening are not strong enough to replace what's been broken down. I....just wrote like 2 paragraphs. and they were deleted. FML.
I guess it's a sign to stop bitching and move on. And I will take it gracefully...
So much to say... and yet, nothing to say at all.
I do have to say, though. Music is the air I breathe, always and forever. People come and go, but a melody is constant. It changes with you, ebbs and flows, but is there through it all.
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| i was lost at sea. |
[02 Sep 2008|01:51pm] |
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mood |
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 energetic |
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music |
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Across the Universe soundtrack |
] |
...Does anyone even write in this anymore? I logged on for the first time in decades, okay months, and it seemed like one of those stupid verizon network commercials with the 'dead zone' crap. So- first year of college? It was pretty awesome. Summer? Well, see, there were two parts of summer- part A and part B. Part A consisted of me trying to distance myself from people in order to 'self-actualize,' or reflect on myself and traits that could be bettered. Typical moody, wimpy side of me that does sometimes get too controlling. On the up side of that part, I did spend a lot of time with all of my family and we definitely compensated for the time lost while I was at college. There are plenty of self-incriminating pictures up on my sisters facebook. I worked this summer at Keg South of Kendall and I kinda love serving, and I'm pretty damn good at it. I love the water, by the way. I'm determined to become a mermaid and live in Atlantica and be bffls with Ariel. You laugh now, but oh you will see my friend. Hmm.. Oh, thats right. I'm sure it's apparent that I am in a much better mood then part A of my summer. Not to mention all the family dramz that occurred right after the other. Seriously, tell those producers of the Living with Lohan show has nothing on what my family went through this summer. It got pretty crazy. There was a family reunion in Texas, and that was amazing. I love meeting new family members and bonding through a 8 hour game of charades (don't laugh... things got intense). I love towns where I'm not scared to go into Wal-Mart, because you know what, it actually is a pretty decent store- just not the one in West Kendall where you walk in through the double doors and you look at yourself, and you've been transformed into Yessica with super high eyebrows, lipliner, chancletas (sp?), and ginormous hoop earrings. Anyway-
Part B was fantastical. There was a lot more of actually doing stuff then just laying around playing the Wii... umm no wait, I did plenty of that either way- but I went out a lot more, and enjoyed myself a lot more. I saw a lot of movies (Dark Knight and Pineapple Express are definitely top on the favorites list) and spent much of my time with my friends. I went on a cruiseeee which is always quite the adventure, and let me just say, 19 and 20 are the most awkward ages a human will ever go through. When you turn 18, its like "Yay, I'm legal now! I can go to SOME clubs! I'm responsible for myself Blah Blah Blah." But at 19, you've done it all before- you've gone to the lamer clubs, you've dealt with your choices, you're ready to dip into the older crowd a little more then before. However, despite what you may feel as a 19 or 20 year old, society still chooses to isolate you because we cant drink. And I don't mind that, really, its just difficult to randomly meet people because there is no 18-21 club; come party here! It might as well be called the "Grown-up Babies who Kinda take responsibility but They Don't and we LIKE it like that." In Europe, they can drink at the age of 15 and don't drive til 21. It makes you wonder- how would that play here? I love driving. I don't think I could have waited that long. But that kind of teaches people how to be responsible with their drinking, and in most instances, parents could teach their children how to handle drinking. So many people DIE on their 21st birthday from binge drinking. ...
How the hell did I get to that?! I'm just extremely random today. EXTREME!
I went to Cocoa Beach with the family and it was prettyyy crazy fun. I hate Gustav. I hate Fay. I hate Hanna. They all suck. I love my new apartment. I miss everyone... and I'm late for class.
See ya around. It's been a real slice.
^Love Hercules. (ITS BECOMING THE NEXT DISNEY BROADWAY!)
Nikky
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| life is good :) |
[18 Mar 2008|02:03pm] |
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mood |
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 nauseous |
] |
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music |
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Spring Awakening soundtrack |
] |
Though I'm home with what could be a virus, or the stomach flu, or who knows what else, and have 2 tests coming up and 3 papers to write, I can't help but smile.
Spring break was nothing special, really. I didn't do anything out of the usual from when I lived in Miami and went to high school- minus the school part. There was a family barbeque, I hung out with friends, went to the beach, and even a mini-trip to Orlando. Yet, it was so amazing, going home, and eating dinner with the family every night, even leftovers, playing GHIII with my parents and sister, my friends, all swearing they will beat me one day soon (NOT). There was a peace and relaxation that lacked during winter break. I barely fought with my sister, FOR ONCE, which is really incredible if you know how we are towards each other. I'm back in Tallahassee, and I'm not gonna lie, I am already homesick.
Good news though- despite all this school work, there is SO MUCH coming up, that I really can't afford to slack off and procrastinate (even though I'm doing that right now, if you couldn't tell). First, the X-tension Chords from University of Illinois is coming to perform with the FSU acapella groups on Wednesday, and even better, my other half, Karen, and Laurie are coming up and then on Friday we are trekking to Orlando (yet again) to audition for Disney World! That is definitely a dream summer job... *sigh* God, I hope I get it! :)
Then March 26 I will be flying to NEW YORK CITY to spend 5 days with my mommy dearest, and we will be seeing SPRING AWAKENING and hopefully wicked. I LOVE NYC AND BROADWAY... it's life. The weekend after is my cousins birthday, and I'm taking him to, surprise surprise, Orlando for a day at Blizzard Beach. So family will not be lacking in the next month, I will be seeing bits and pieces around.
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| procastination is never a friend. |
[26 Feb 2008|12:19am] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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My Interpretatio- Mika |
] |
So I'm in the midst of writing a 1500 word paper that is due tomorrow, and I'm halfway through. I'm at that point where you know exactly what you want to say, but it's having a hard time translating into words, so I hoped that maybe posting a little blurb would help me, and I guess we'll find out in a few minutes if this works.
It's getting to that time, about when I turn into mega-bitch to anyone I see or talk to. I hate it.
And I was supposed to be serenaded by El Jonas Hermanos but there was a miscommunication aka one missing ticket aka I'm missing out. My family had a big bash on Saturday, and I saw pictures and I got homesick. Again. Story of my life.
I hate feeling unwanted, left out, misunderstood, inferior, etc etc.
I've been getting really disorganized lately, and I'm so annoyed at myself. Procrastination just gnaws at me a little more every day, and if I don't literally clean up my act, it will consume me. Which just can't happen. I know I've got the potential, and I know I can apply myself. It's the actual doing it that gets me.
Thank God spring break is near. This semester is flying by, soon it will be college flying by, and then life. Does this cycle ever end? Whatevs.
On the bright side,
Mikado is on Friday, hip-hop style, the Vagina Monologues, or Taming of the Shrew (I haven't decided) are on Thursday, Saturday is Carl's birthday, and there is a lot of good stuff coming up.
I saw The History of America: Abridged, and though it was hysterical, it made me miss that outrageous performance put on by the thespians in high school. (It was funnier in high school, I think.)
If I felt I wasn't making any new friends before, well, now I'm feeling quite the opposite. It's just a matter of getting comfortable in any situation and meeting people, which could be synonymous to drinking. :D Anyway. Back to this stupid paper, which needs to be amazing. And will be.
Carpe diem. <3
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| random... |
[13 Feb 2008|12:54am] |
I don't even know who reads this thing anymore, let alone who writes in it. I miss it... Being able to rant and someone instantaneously telling you that it will be ok, we'll hang out tomorrow, and help to put a smile on your face. I hate that it's getting harder to put a smile on my face.
College is different. No better, no worse than high school I say. It's different. With every pro is a new con, one that would never have been brought to light before. It's weird how you take people for granted. Simple things, like eating lunch together everyday, making beautiful music every day, you really don't know how much you love it until it's gone. I love FSU. I honestly do. I don't do the party thing, really. It's a waste of my education. I like having fun, and I do it often.
But I'm scared for what my future will bring me. I hate being all pensive, yet it is always in the back of my mind. Where is this education leading to? What is my purpose? Why am i not following my one true dream? Or am I?
Who really knows. Actually, who cares! It's about living. I've been really happy lately. Granted, steam was let off this weekend, and the Hannah Montana movie really did uplift me for some bizarre reason, and I'm just enjoying everything. I smile randomly, I think of random thoughts, I randomly love being random.
I was told this weekend that I have a special quality, and I like thinking that. It's something I hold on to when I'm being told that I'm being nosy, or a drama queen, or that I'm acting immature or stupid. I'm me, and that's really the best part of all this. I love that it's possible to be upset and happy and miserable and pensive and content all at once. It puts things into perspective, well, for me.
I'm missing a lot. I'm missing my family, I'm missing my friends, I'm missing a lot of the activities that used to be a part of my everyday life. From that, I'm learning a lot, and I'm growing. I'm always growing. I love it when I'm miserable, and something will pop up in my mind to make me smile.
I hope you smile too, in the midst of your misery, knowing that there is always something to be happy for.
I think you'll be hearing a little more from me here... then again, I always say that.
Until next time-
Nikky
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| we've almost just begun to live. |
[20 Aug 2007|02:49pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
] |
I leave in three days.
it still hasnt hit me that i leave in three days.
i hate this transitional period. all the goodbyes... i hate saying goodbye. i hate that every time there's a get together, some one's face is missing. i just want to GO.
i really cant believe that college is starting now. school starts next monday, i move in this friday. its freedom to the ultimate degree. my mother has already realized that, and im getting really sick of hearing that i better make it, even though she's pretty sure i wont. i understand she's having a difficult time with me leaving, but why cant she just be nice? every word that comes out of her mouth insults me and it hurts because i find this time with her so precious. and my sister... is set on hating me for life. every day, we fight. every day, i have to tell myself to not let it out. hold back, because in x amount of days, i am gone. i dont want to go away and remember these bad times. but these rapid occurances are going to make it really hard.
the to do list is getting shorter, which is a big burden lifting off my shoulders. last night i had a dinner for the family and some friends... the lack of my fathers presence was very noticeable. he's still in washington for work. and every time i talk to him on the phone he's always so depressed... i cant bear the idea of him living alone, especially when i understand exactly how he feels. i realized i really am like him in a lot of ways. we love entertaining people, we love being with people, and we're both extremely cheesy. im still trying to get over the fact that my time with him was cut even shorter, but at least he's coming to move me up this weekend. =)
i hope that everyone adjusts well, that we all pull through and accomplish our hopes and dreams, establish ourselves in the real world, and do all we can. the world is your oyster.
love, peace, and chicken grease.
nikky
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| look what the cat dragged in... |
[25 Mar 2007|08:05pm] |
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so... here i am, after what? a gazillion years?
i've come, ready to bare my soul to the world and drown myself in the mystery of my sorrows.
...not so much.
9 weeks to graduation, and im not as scared as i thought i would be. or unprepared. or anything. i think ive proven to myself i can handle anything... quadruple emphasis on ANYTHING... that comes my way. right or wrong, i handle it. and thats what truly counts, correct?
2 weeks ago i bought a princess coloring book. and let's just say that it has helped me to become more zen and figure out my so-called problems, and plausible solutions. ... no, there isnt any point, but i have calmed down a little, at least at this moment in time, hopefully to the joy of my friends who i know i've been getting on their last nerves lately.
this year has brought a lot out of me... the good the bad and the ugly. and im grateful to it.
classes have just started to get in the way of everything...
Red Carpet Awards Friday, April 13, 2007... a must-see event.
my heart and soul are currently being poured into this show and id appreciate if you just take yourself and go enjoy it.
thats all i ask.
disney store= ♥ and no, they dont pay me to say that.
Hannah Montana brings out the best in me, i cant even deny it...
gosh. im just full of _______ .
i will never ever be able to figure myself out...
makes life more spontaneous and cracy.
i love shoes.
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE them.
ive come to realize that mistakes are just lessons to learn.
and i really have nothing to say.
buuut.
i love me and you and all of the people
hahaha <3
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[24 Sep 2006|01:27am] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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music |
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Grease commercial |
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I really can't complain about anything in my life right now, and yet I can.
I swear I'm trying as hard as I possibly can in my classes, for once in my life, I'm on top of things concerning clubs and colleges, and I'm making A's in most of my courses. I got a job, so I can start pitching in for a) car payments, b) gas money, c) my own personal wants/needs.
And yet, I am always in the wrong. I'm a step ahead of what my mom wishes I would do, and yet, she is constantly finding reasons to be cold towards me and I can't stand it. I'm already so stressed out-- and its only the beginning-- but I would just like to enjoy my senior year as fully as I can since it only happens once, and I just can't seem to let it all out. Is she purposely trying to create a distance between our somewhat strong mother-daughter bond? I don't understand WHY.
I just want her to be proud of me, and my accomplishments instead of constantly criticizing me and doubting my abilities to perform, to create, to be me. But I'm just not good enough for her, and I'm finding that hard to believe. I just wish once this whole year, she tells me she loves me without me trying to force it out of her, telling me she is proud and notices how hard I work to make her happy.
She wants me to have no friends, no life, and to study study study. Doesn't she notice, I am able to have friends and a life, as well as study study study?
Why won't she just let me enjoy being young while I am? There is only so much time we have to appreciate people and life, and I'm terrified that time is running out for me to do what I want to.
On the bright side, the loneliness is starting to subside. And I'm very positive about everything. I love my friends, and I feel as though new relationships are building everyday. Regardless of these arguments that happen to arise every 5 seconds, I'm really thankful for what my parents have given me and for my sister sticking up for me, when she knows I havent really done anything wrong.
Life is sometimes rotten, but you gotta hand it to it... It's still worth the bumps and bruises.
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| Its all a big jumble |
[05 Sep 2006|10:44pm] |
Theres so much going on, I constantly feel like I should be doing more, studying more, practicing more, college-searching more.
But theres only so many hours in a day!
I'm excited-- but I'm trying to restrict that so it wont distract me from whats really on my priority list.
Can you blame me?
-I just got my car, noname for gabii, and license
-I drove all by myself for the first time, and i never knew i could feel so independent and FREE.
-pictures were developed this weekend which always makes me happy
-HHN is a for sure thing in oct!!!!!
-Boston/NY end of Sept!
-HOMECOMING NEXT WEEK!
-and pirates of penzance!!!!!!!
whew. theres a lot more.. happy bday to ana and christina! =D hope you guys had a good one.
and i think thats all that was bursting out of me for now...
dont you worry, ill be back soon.
theres a life to live, and i better be doing it damn well.
HOMECOMING QUEEN of 07! GO VOTE FOR ME =D
<3
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[16 Aug 2006|09:27pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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London Bridges- Fergie |
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and so.
we knew it was coming, and yet the new year arrived so suddenly and unexpected.
ironically, we've been preparing for this year... this moment our whole lives.
i have to say, i am ecstatic to see what senior year will bring me, though im immensely sad that this thrilling summer was abruptly ended. literally... the final week of summer i was cruising my way through the caribbean, partying every night, and only arriving back home on sunday.
most definitely a drastic change. both great...
and sad, because it now begins.
the anticipation, the confusion, the arguments, the drama, the new friendships, the fun, and the many scavenger hunts life sends us on.
i learned one very important thing this summer: Cherish it all. every fight, every hug. you've only got ONE life to live, so live it well. remember to live, and live to remember.
class of '07... heres to us :)
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| home, sweet home |
[19 Jul 2006|10:42pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
] |
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music |
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Life is a Highway |
] |
im home... which is ______ to say the least.
i missed everyone so much :) my mom and dad, my dogs, my amazing friends...
but cali was just too. incredible.
its actually indescribable being with people who you've wanted to know since forever and havent had the chance to truly bond with until now, and just making memories doing the most normal, down to earth things. we went to the best mall in the world in valencia, visited hollywood, six flags, universal studios, funland, and stayed up every morning til 3.
its like we started at the beginning... with the shyness of children, the obsession with coloring and video games, and as our relationship grew, we became obnoxious teens who were having the times of our lives. like i've said oh so many times before, family is the best.
and so, here it comes again. feeling like i'm no longer of the fitted puzzle here in miami. but i know it comes from being away from so long, you know? regardless, i am happy to be back in miami. I AM!
i guess... i saw the end of my trip as the end of irresponsibility, the end of fun and games. now it really starts. the search for colleges, the attempt for an extraordinary SAT score, hope for scholarships and acceptance into the places i dream of going to. within the next month, i need a job to help myself with gas money and insurance money for MY NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes. when i got home, my parents shocked me by telling me they bought me a brand new 2007 honda fit :) i am ECSTATIC!!!!
soo much is coming up this year, and im not gonna lie. its gonna be the time of my life. its up in the air though, if its gonna be a good time or a horrible time, but i have a feeling it should be a pretty good ride.
here's to summer '06
and thanks to karen and nicole and fab for making me feel welcome home :) you guys are the best.
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[07 Jul 2006|05:00pm] |
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mood |
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ecstatic |
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music |
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Michelle Branch- All I Wanted |
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california is amazing.
im moving here.
end of story.
anyways... fill this out :)
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out about me?
13. Emotionally, what stands out about me?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to re-post and see what I say about you?
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[28 Jun 2006|12:43am] |
im off to california in less than 8 hours.
how thrilling
:)
this is gonna be amazing.
fantastic.
indescribable.
one of a kind.
pleasing.
terrific.
superb.
life-changing.
and so.
so.
so.
much more.
but i will miss you all
desperately.
♥
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[26 Jun 2006|12:04pm] |
Sorry guys
but I'm in the mood to write
the most emo entry.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok i feel a little better.
why am i so intolerable?
why am i so insecure?
why am i so jealous?
why am i so angry?
i dont understand myself. the times when i should just let go, and be free and wild, i let the smallest things get to me.
they tell me, "you're looking in the wrong places."
fuck looking. why dont you come find me?
anyways.
i've come to the conclusion that i have the most amazing friends in the world.
whether i barely talk to you now when we used to be like two peas in a pod, or we talk nonstop now, know that i would do anything for you.
because i knew you...
im psyched for this cali trip. i just need to getaway. really.getaway.
annnnd recent thank yous to:
karen- dont lie. 6 ppl road trips are amazing! or will be...
carl- water balloons :) enough said.
gabii and diana- for providing me with the drama of the day. excluding my own.
and fuck it. everyone else too. love peace and chicken grease.
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[13 Jun 2006|12:14am] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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music |
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Failures Not Flattering. |
] |
so just to update really quick
my resolutions this summer:
-lose some weight for california
-study my ass off for SATs
-learn to drive AMAZINGly.
annnd attempt to get closer to my family and friends.
i feel like everything is so... disconnected now.
people come and go... there's no consistant flow of happiness.
it kinda sucks. but whatev, it dont faze me.
i like driving. i feel so... independent and free. i cant wait to get my car.
i feel like theres no one there for me. ever. well, one person. just one. when i used to have like 50 incredibly close bonds. no exaggeration.
and thats enough for now. . .
heres to the world wanting to be CONTENT (thanks chloe AND marylin :)) and happy.
heres to wanting butterflies.
heres to pillowfights and ticklefights.
heres to you kid :)
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[08 Jun 2006|12:31pm] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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music |
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An Honest Mistake- The Bravery |
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summer is good.
i get my license in 3 weeks... watch out now =)
yesterday we went to the beach. and it was serene and lovely.
but let me tell you. i still feel incomplete. why try to be close to someone when its obvious they never want to talk to you again?
i guess everything was misleading. i guess that our friendship wasnt that strong to you, but it was the world to me. i guess that everything always builds to crumble, hopefully to build once more. i try. i try, i really do. its up to you now.
guys im sorry about the pictures. i get aggravated very easily nowadays, and those just werent helping i swear ill get it up by this week.
anyone who's interested... k6 has a gig in fruit and spice park on sat and sun. it should be verry entertaining.
and i think thats it for now.
im outie like a belly button.
ciao
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| noooooo |
[05 Jun 2006|10:40am] |
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arrgh. frustrations running high.
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[04 Jun 2006|04:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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chipper |
] |
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music |
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Why Do You Love Me- Garbage |
] |
ahhhh
summer days are just so... chilllll.
well on thursday i went to christinas house for a k6 "rehearsal." we were actually pretty productive... anyways, afterwards alisa DROVE us to fridays (dont trust her, shes a maniac) and it was sooo great. i love those girls :) we celebrated my birthday and ran into the waiter that turned down alex the night of the show. ok i lied, we hunted him down-- well, i did. pictures of EVERYTHING coming later tonight, wayy later tonight, seeing as i have a "date." supposedly, at least.
we all slept over and it was a crazy night... ticklefights, pillow fights, stuffing pillowfluff in karens mouth (that last bit wasnt me) and kicking alisa off the bed... the next morning we got up at 9!!! for rehearsal with the band which was really entertaining, even though we were all drained. i left at like 4, and being that the first scheduled date was off, due to whatever, i went out with the fam to on the border.
all i can say is: talk about akward moments.
it's too bad that im so pushy, huh? whatever it was all good and my mom got wasted. she's hysterical.
amanda and monnica slept over, and we played halo and chilled... got the shock of my life, but i guess its understandable why people can be such bitches-- and yesterday, we had our gig which was amazing if i do say so myself :) christina's dad's band is INCREDIBLE. it was like Woah. the doctors dancing looked more like the patients if you know what i mean. this one old man was just rockin out... i wish i videotaped it.
we went out for pizza, and drove home to watch ourselves doing less of what we thought we did. but we did do great, i cant even lie.
summer school starts tomorrow and i dont know if thats a good or bad thing.
buuuut im willing to find out :)
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[31 May 2006|11:55pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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come what may |
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today was great. noo doubts about it.
closer friendships were formed, undeniably great tan, competitive volleyball games, tackling each other in the water, and playing old school games.
so great.
the car rides were fun too.
the "surprises" and the hopes of accomplishing a perfect birthday for haparasta.
honestly, who could ask for more?
well hm. lets think about it. im longing to feel the butterflies! oh well. i can live without it, i have for already.
friends let friends know the truth. right? so what's going on here?
at least this summer's gonna be incredible.
it fucking better be.
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